That which is in my head

It's like a big house on an island. There is the room for breaking shit. There is the room for painting secrets. There are the 4-wheelers for riding around on the lawns. There is the pillow room, with a diving board. There is the hammock room. 


I could explain each room in detail, and what it means, and why I go there. I could tell you about how the sun sets, and the chairs set up outside to watch the sunset. That part isn't a room, but it's part of my head. 

But that's not the room I'm interested in right now. 

It's the dark room that interests me. Two spotlights. One for me. One for R.D. And we talk. That's all. We just talk in an empty, dark space. 

When I have a problem that's where I go. I play the part of the impulsive, selfish teenager--the epicurian pleasure seeker who doesn't listen to reason. And R--.... he's my conscience. He tells me whether something's a good idea or bad idea. He knows I'll listen to him, as I listen to no other. He's the observer of my life, behind my eyes, and the voice I hear when I'm about to do something incredibly stupid. 

I'm saying this because... too many people are interested in what goes on in my head, and I don't ever take the time to explain how it works. My head... quite often, it sounds like this: 

R: You're really going to post this publically?
A: Yes. I believe so. Maybe just semi-publically. 
R: Huh. Well, when you stare off into the distance, maybe now it will make sense. 
A: Yes, but eventually I'll have to explain who you are and where you come from, and why I selected you--
R: You want to be quiet now. That's enough. 
A: Oh. right. 

It's like that. In my head. All the time. 

I don't need anything else. 

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Symmetry

R-A-Blur
R-A-Blur
What else is there in life to achieve? There was this day. 

It was more than I ever expected. It was something I had wanted for three years, but never really imagined it could ever happen. It was so unexpected and amazing. I couldn't tell anyone, except for the four who were with me at the time. Even now, we don't speak of this often, and only to each other.

Whenever I feel I want something from someone I'll stop and think of this. Because in this picture, I'm stunned. Overwhelmed. I'm absolutely shocked that he is touching me, and I am touching him. I do believe I was shaking, even though it was spring. 

Later, I'd go back to the hotel... still shaking... happy enough to dance... grinning to myself all the time. So were the other four.   

It was more than I thought I would ever get from life. Nothing I've done since even compares. 

And when it's all over, I'll know that I had one. Good. Day. 
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QotD: Define Cheating

What is your definition of cheating?


Wow. THAT is the question of the day? THAT?! Jesus. Um. Cheating is... um... Can I have a different question please?


Cheating is getting what you want by ignoring the rules. EVEN AFTER YOU TRIED TO DO THE HONORABLE THING. 


Cheating. Huh. You ask me about cheating. I decide to answer the question of the day, and it's about cheating. On the day when the temptation to do so will be removed from possibility. 


Crap. I gotta go. 

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Secret

My middle name is Gary. My uncle has been calling me "Care-Gare" since I was 5. My brother and cousins now exclusively refer to me as Care-Gare. Everyone else in my family (ALL of them) call me Gary. No one outside my family calls me Gary. 

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River

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River
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